Ch-ch-changes

After searching for a little over a month, Alan and I found a beautiful little house and though not directly downtown, it is still in one of the more historic districts. We get the keys in a week, and I am beyond excited.

And nervous. Not sure if this nervousness is to blame but my bingeing has been out of control. Considering my only other "shacking up" experience was absolutely horrifying, I think this is understandable. Add to this that at the end of May, Alan's daughter, D, will be coming to stay with us for a month+, and I'll be watching her during the day while Alan is at work.

I want to be amazing. I want to give Alan a home that is peaceful and full of love. (His ex-wife set the bar pretty low, so this helps...haha). I want D to feel comfortable and safe. I realize that in order to do these things, to truly bring happiness into the home, I have to be taking care of myself.

I've printed out a household tasks sheet to keep me on track. It involves breaking the house into parts and basically tackling just one part a day, thereby always having a clean home. In addition, I want to be more regular with working out and eating right so that I can feel good about myself and be more consistently happy and reliable.

I want to give him everything. I feel so lucky to get to be in his life. He deserves the absolute best I have to offer.

Bitch Drama

Valentine's Day also happens to be Alan's birthday, so I popped in to his place prior to our dinner reservations. Upon coming in I could tell he was super angry/upset but seemed hesitant to tell me why.

A little background for the story to come: My other blog's domain (veganoddball.com) had been purchased for me by Douche-face J when we were dating. After we were broken up and I was with Alan, we got the domain info from J so that I could keep the domain once it was up for renewal. Well, somehow we goofed, completely accidental, and J was charged $25.16. Rather than act like a sane, human adult, he took back the domain (fine, whatever) and changed it to automatically forward to a site selling razor blades. He posted that he'd done this on Alan's business facebook page. Absolutely ridiculous.

All is resolved, as Alan is more computer savvy than J could ever hope to be. My new domain is theveganoddball.com and all my posts were saved, though I think we still have a few problems to fix because I noticed that clicking the "Home" link still forwards to the razor blade site.

I'm sure J thought this would upset me. Well, it didn't. It might have if he meant anything to me, but any positive feelings I ever had for him were completely obliterated long ago. I honestly laughed at his desperate attempts to damage me and Alan. He's such a miserable human being. The fact that I stayed with him for 10 months is appalling to me.

I can't say I haven't thought of ways to fuck up his life. Revenge was never my thing but he crossed a line this time. I doubt I'll do anything. It isn't me. But it is deliciously fun to think about.

Will you be my friend?

I swear I am this close to putting an ad on Craigslist asking someone to be my girlfriend. Friend girl. Completely non-sexual, someone I can blab to and hang out with on non-Alan nights and talk about all sorts of squee-worthy events that are happening in my life.

My life is so beautiful I can hardly believe it right now. Amazing, incredible, perfect-for-me boyfriend, in a band I don't altogether love but still IN A BAND! 

And yet, my eating is shit. I keep bingeing and it is making me so crazy. I get bored or discontented or anxious...it happens so often, and I don't seem to know how to fight it. I need a close friend, someone who is near me who I can scream to, "I want to binge!" who will tie up my limbs and talk to me about existentialism and the coming of spring and make me coffee and help me to stop this awful cycle because it is the single biggest problem in my life. 

In lieu of this, may I talk to you?

I binged tonight for the second time this week, solely because I was alone and didn't seem to know what to do with myself. For as long as I can remember, I've been terrible at maintaining hobbies and so I sit her trying to distract myself with Trivia Crack and finally just give in, wrapping myself in all manner of winter attire for the all-too-familiar trip to the store for food I don't need or even necessarily want. Using money I don't have.

I want to feel whole. I want to eat for nourishment, not to fill some inexplicable, intangible emptiness--this feeling I've struggled with for so, so long. I look it in the eye and shout, "My life is beautiful! Leave me alone!" but it's still there and I sometimes feel my life is nothing but a series of distractions from this. I get anxious when I know I'm going to be left alone because then I know I truly am alone with this feeling. I'm trying to keep all these balls in the air and god, I don't want to drop them. Not a single one. 

So, will you be my friend?